Why limiting beliefs hold us back…
Everyone has limiting beliefs! Sometimes you know what they are and how they affect you and sometimes they appear out of nowhere.
What is a limiting belief?
A limiting belief is something you believe about yourself that can hold you back. What you believe about yourself impacts how you think, feel and behave.
It might be that you struggle to speak up in a group because you hold the belief that 'no one cares about what I have to say'.
It might be you find it hard to do a presentation or workshop because you hold the belief that 'I don't know enough' or 'I'm not an expert' or 'They might ask me something I don't know'.
It might be that you stop yourself from doing a course in a subject you're interested in because you hold the belief 'I don't have enough time'.
Limiting beliefs are totally standard in our lives as human beings and they affect everyone differently. If they're not getting in the way of what you want, then you might not even know you hold a limiting belief about something.
But when they are very real for you, they can keep you from seeing new possibilities, following dreams and take you away from the amazing, creative person that you are.
Why do we have limiting beliefs?
Experts believe that most of our beliefs about the way the world works are formed by the time we are 8 years old. In the psychoanalytical theory and method of 'Transactional Analyisis', this is called our Life Script.
This involves making sure we survive by fitting in with the adults around us. Just think of how much there is going on at any one time in someone's life - family, culture, faith, community, society....the whole world. As children, we're thinking 'how must I need to behave to fit in, to get my needs met, to survive'.
It's thought that in the first two years (and in the womb), children are in the Delta brain-wave cycle. When you're deeply asleep as an adult, this is the state you are in. Even as you get to 1 year old, you're mainly in and out of this state. This means as a baby, you are taking eeeeeeverything in as you learn about the world, there's no filter at all.
From age 2 - 8, it's thought that children will mostly be in Alpha and Theta brainwave states, which is what you're in while you're under hypnosis or perhaps meditating. So basically at that age you're going about your day hypnotised, open to everything that is being presented to you. Being able to be rational when something goes wrong or think critically is not really a thing your brain can do yet, so you're still in a high learning state. Between five and eight years old, this is when your analytical brain starts forming and you start to interpret and make meaning from your environment.
If as a three year old you heard a nursery nurse say 'you're so clumsy', you might grow up thinking you're clumsy even though that was bestowed on you age three (when most three year olds fall over a lot anyway!).
If, as a 5 year old you heard your mum say to a friend 'he/she is not very good at reading', you might take that as fact.
If, at six years old your teacher tells you 'stop being naughty' when you're fidgeting in your chair, you might take on the belief that your need to be moving to make yourself feel calm is bad.
If, when you were 7 years old, you asked your dad if you could have a toy when you were at the shop and he got annoyed and shouted 'you can't ask for those kind of things!', you might grow up with the belief 'I can't ask for what I want'. You're not sitting there going 'I appreciate my dad spoke to me like that because money is tight and he has an electricity bill due tomorrow'.
If you feel like you're holding yourself back in certain areas and you don't know why, it might be that you start to take a look at what limiting beliefs you have and notice how they are serving you.
Examples of Limiting Beliefs
Once you start tuning into what a limiting belief could be, you'll start to hear people saying them everyday. They're everywhere, so take some time to notice them and get curious.
Sometimes they can start with 'I'm not...', 'I can't...', 'I'm always...', 'I'll never...', 'I'm too...'
I'm not good enough
I'm not ready
I'll never be successful
I can't fail
I'm too old
I don't have enough experience
I'm not smart enough
I can't be who I really am or people will judge me
I can't ask for what I want because the answer will be no
Other times they can be more specific, for example in the workplace:
I need to know everything that goes on in my team
I don't have enough experience to go for that role I would be amazing at
It might be that you write them down and get curious about where they may come from.
Limiting Beliefs about Money
Money mindset and limiting beliefs about money are really common, but let's address the elephant in the room - it's never about the money! I'll write another blog about this one day.
You need to work hard to make money
If I've got money, people will ask me for it and I won't be able to say no.
If I'm rich, I'll be too busy
If I'm rich, my children will be spoilt brats
I am not good with money
Being rich is selfish
If you're rich, you're not a nice person
You have to be greedy to be rich
Again, you might like to get curious about where these beliefs come from and check out if they are serving you.
Secondary Gains
Sometimes we benefit from holding onto a limiting belief. We are not normally aware of this though, it's an unconscious thing.
For example, someone might want to give up smoking, but if they did that, deep down they might believe they'll miss out on social interactions with colleagues and not want to lose that connection.
You might like to take a look at the benefits you get from holding onto your limiting beliefs, get curious and ask yourself 'what's going on there?'.
Can we change our limiting beliefs?
Coaching can help us to update our Life Script by questioning the way we think, feel and behave and in my experience they can be changed.
As a very surface level example, I used to have a messy bedroom ('it's hard to keep my bedroom tidy') and could never figure out why. Notice my language - 'I used to have a messy bedroom', this indicates a belief has changed.
Keeping my room tidy always felt like SUCH hard work and I tried to, for years and years, tell myself 'just keep it tidy'. I would go through a massive clean up and be like 'right, I'm doing it, I'm keeping it tidy' and then three days later it would be messy again. It wasn't until I started looking at the belief behind why I had a messy bedroom that I was able to change it.
My mum had always told the story about how she'd never been able to keep her room tidy even at university. So it was partly a belief I'd taken on board from her, but also, I got down to 'if I don't have a messy bedroom, I won't be like my mum and that would be bad!'. This was a massive 'holy shit' moment for me. No wonder keeping my room tidy felt SOO hard. My mum is amazing by the way, but clearly I'd formed something along the lines of 'must always do as I'm told' as my Life Script was forming in those early years! I found the emotion behind it and was able to change the belief.....much to the relief of my husband 😂
I've given you quite a surface level belief (It's hard to keep my bedroom tidy), but even with that you can see how deep it can go. If I'd have just stuck an affirmation on the wall of 'it's easy to keep my bedroom tidy', I wouldn't have gotten very far if I hadn't gone further into the reason and emotion behind what my belief was.
In summary, limiting beliefs are all around us, they're completely normal and we can change them once we know what they are and where they come from. And yes our children are forming limiting beliefs everyday no matter how amazing we are as parents 🙈
If you're interested in a belief session to help you change a specific limiting belief, do get in touch!
